If Not Me, Who?
by BetweenBlueLines
Summary: Allen has problems. A stalker problem. In order to get rid of his stalker, he has to pretend to be in a relationship with the most antisocial jerk of them all. But is it all pretending, or is it something more?


_Written for Silver-Blaze of deviantART- I am so sorry it took me so long to finish your Christmas present. Please enjoy. -B._

One:  
If Not Me, Who?

(_And in which Lavi rescues a salad)_

In retrospect, Allen would find the situation rather humorous. At the moment, he was quite exasperated and slightly scared. Carefully he peered around the corner, mentally cursing Komui for putting him in this situation. Seeing nothing but a bustling flee market, Allen scooted out of his hiding spot behind a dumpster and ducked down among the stalls. Placing a five bill in a woman's hand he snatched up a hat, hiding his silvery hair and pulling the bill down over his face. Joining the throng, Allen moved with ease pretending to be another shopper.

Sighing, he left the momentary safety of the flea market and made his way down the street. The danger he had been in a moment ago slowly faded from memory as his stomach growled and he began to list the ingredients he'd need to make his dinner. Had he had been more aware and not given into the demands of his stomach, he would have noticed a man had melted out of the crowd behind him and tailed him at a safe distance. Of course, this is Allen Walker, known for his child like naivety. One would think, that after spending several days avoiding a certain someone he would be a little more aware. It wasn't until he was picking out fruit did he feel a chill run down his spine- almost as if someone had fixed him with a stare.

"Allen-chan~ I've been looking for you," a husky voice sounded in his ear as a pair of warm, clove smelling arms wrapped around him. "You've been avoiding me lately, it's not very nice."  
Allen tensed, closing his eyes and counting to ten. "Tyki, could you please remove your arms from around my _waist_?" He gritted his teeth as Tyki sighed into his ear, his arms tightening briefly before he pulled away.

"What, no hello, how are you? How could you be so cold," he whined following Allen around as he attempted to ignore the older man.

"Because, _Tyki_, I've told you before a million bloody times that I am. Not. Interested." Even without turning around he knew the other man was pouting attempting to pull off the same one Lavi used when he wanted something. With Lavi however, it worked, for it was almost as if he suddenly grew adorable droopy bunny ears and tail tuff. Tyki… well Tyki just looked like an overgrown child five seconds away from a tantrum.

"Aw come on, how –" Whatever nonsense Tyki was going to say was cut off from the carnival music suddenly coming from his pocket. Allen sent a silent thanks to God for saving him- he knew that ring tone was the one that meant Rhode was calling. And when Rhode called, Tyki became the "doting" uncle, otherwise he'd never hear the end of it.

"Tyki here," he answered, still trying to send what he thought to be doe eyes at Allen, who had gone back to ignoring him. "Yes, yes, wait _now_? Can't it wait? No…" he let out a giant sigh. "Fine I'm on my way."

Allen stiffened again as Tyki wrapped his arms around the smaller boy. "I'll see you later, love." With a lingering scent of cloves, Tyki left, leaving behind a rather relieved Allen.

As the younger boy checked out, he vowed that he'd come up with a way to make Tyki stop, once and for all.

"I mean in all seriousness, what are you going to do?" Lenalee fixed Allen with a pointed stare, pointing at him with her fork, a piece of the a fruit salad she had speared on it dropping onto the table between them with a soft plop. Only Lavi's eye followed its progress to the table with a morose look, like the piece of banana had been a good friend. Allen moaned, dropping his head with a thud to the table, the piece of fruit jumping a little.

"I don't know! I just don't know! He's everywhere and I can't get him to stop! I've even talked to Rhode- _Rhode, _Lenalee,_ Rhode_ – and nothing!" Allen's voice came muffled from underneath his mop of silver hair. For a brief moment, Lavi and Lenalee stared in pity before the Chinese girl plucked up her courage again.

"Well this simply won't do. There has to be some way we can stop this." Lenalee stabbed her fruit salad, glaring at the offending fruit. Lavi was certain now that the fruit must have done something to her by the way she was stabbing it.

"Everything would be fine if your brother hadn't forced me to wear that ridiculous outfit!" Allen lifted his head to glare at Lenalee, though the effect was ruined by his red eyes and the tears that were threatening to fall. The table fell silent for a few moments as they all remembered the fateful day.

Allen had come to work as per usual at exactly 7:45. Not a minute later, or a minute early. He was on the dot. When he had opened the door to the employee changing room he was startled to find Komui waiting for him at the staff table, idly sipping a cup of steaming coffee, no doubt prepared by Lenalee before she left for her morning classes. Usually when Allen came to work, he'd go to Komui's office with the intent of waking the elder Chinese man up.

"Morning, Komui!" Allen hadn't let his weariness show as he walked into the room, stowing his things in his locker and getting ready to head into the kitchen to prepare for the morning rush.

"Yes, a very good morning indeed." Allen stiffened as he heard the chair screech as Komui stood. It wasn't that he was scared of the man- okay he was; Komui was terrifying with his obsessions- but he preferred to keep the man in sight.

"Tea, coffee?" was all he had said as he went to the small counter where refreshments Lenalee kept well stocked from the shoppe.

"Tea…please." Allen watched curiously as Komui prepared the tea exactly how Allen liked to drink it. He offered the cup to Allen with a smile that closed his eyes, whistling cheerfully as he resumed his seat. Slowly, Allen drained his mug, and it wasn't until he was tying his apron around his waist that he began to feel the effects. Eyes widening, Allen spun around, toppling, a curse on his lips as Komui sat smirking at him, raising his own mug in silent salute to Allen.

When Allen woke, he felt sore and groggy. It took him a few moments to realize that he was not staring up at the ceiling of his apartment, nor the ceiling of Lavi's, Lenalee's or even Kanda's. Then in a rush of panic he felt it all come back to him.

"KOMUI!" Allen roared, a rather loud roar for such a small figure. Komui's head appeared in the doorway, which Allen now realized to be the staff room.

"Yes?" he asked mildly, a twinkle in his eye.

"What the hell did you drug me for?" Sitting up – he'd been lying on the floor – Allen realized exactly why Komui had drugged him. Where his black dress pants usually were, a pair of mid thigh white socks, with light pink lace cuffs adorned his legs. A frilly, pale pink _tutu _barely covered his – he had to check to make sure– white lace woman's underwear and bare, creamy, upper thighs. The black and pink bodice was more like a corset and clearly showed that Allen was a man, no matter how feminine like he looked. Thankfully though, the corset/bodice/shirt_ thing_ had sleeves which covered his strange disfigured left arm, and Komui had placed pink silk gloves on his hands.

By the time Allen had completely finished looking at his new attire, he was visibly shaking from rage. "What. The. Bloody. Fuck. Is. This?" he hissed through clenched teeth.

"That, my dear Allen, is to be your uniform today. It is Valentine's day after all." Komui smiled, even though he knew it probably looked like he was a creeper.

" No." Allen shook his head. "Give me back my clothes this instant, Komui. I refuse to..to..dress like a bloody girl. And why did you have to change my underwear? You pervert!" Allen stood, swaying slightly. Just as he feared, the tutu barely covered his lower region. If he bent for any reason, just slightly, it would flip up and everything would be exposed.  
"I didn't look!" Komui said indignantly. It was true- Komui had closed his eyes when it had come to that part. "And no, you can't have your clothes back for I burned them. Lenalee will bring you an extra pair of clothes to you once your shift is over. Besides, Allen, I am your boss, and unless you wish to quit, which would mean leaving immediately, still dressed like that, I'd do as I say and go wait on the customers. It's going to be a busy day.

Lenalee reached out and lightly patted Allen's head. She had no idea what her brother's plan for the shoppe that day, and if she had known, she would have put an end to it. Though, she wouldn't ever admit this to Allen, he had looked adorable, what with the permanent blush and the way his voice had raised with his embarrassment. Even Kanda wouldn't have been able to resist him –

"That's it!" Both Lavi and Allen stared at her, completely bemused by her sudden outburst, though both their thoughts behind it where very different. While Allen was confused by the evil glint in her eye, Lavi was staring horrified at the salad that she'd once again speared. That poor salad was being horrible killed, maimed, brutally tortured over and over again by the evil forces known as Lenalee's Fork. Hadn't she ever heard of Fruit Rights? There had to be something in there about abuse.

"Er…what's it?" Allen asked, biting his lip nervously as he waited. Lenalee reached out and grabbed his hands, clutching them in her hands. Her eyes glittered dangerously, with the same evil cunning light that Komui wore right before he released one of his "helper" robots, or was forcing Allen to cross-dress. While Lenalee was distracted by Allen, Lavi quickly snatched her salad, cradling the poor salad bowl to his chest and whispering soft words to it.

"I have the perfect idea on how to get Tyki to back off!" She giggled, practically glancing in her seat, and completely ignoring Lavi, the Fruit Salad Rights Activist.

"You do?" Now Allen was interested, he leaned forward so that Lenalee and him were almost nose to nose.

"Yes! I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner!" Her grin was starting to get infectious, soon Allen was full out grinning in anticipation of the termination of his Tyki Problems. "All you need is to show how uninterested in Tyki!"

Allen sighed and sat back, his excitement fading. "Lenalee that's what we've been discussing for the past _hour_. I've been doing anything I can to show Tyki that I'm not interested. _Nothing_ works."

"Yes, but you haven't tried this." Allen raised one elegant silver eyebrow in question. "To prove to Tyki that you are completely and utterly not interested in him, you need to show it strongly. Before we've tried telling him, but he assumes that he's got a chance because you are not in a relationship.

Allen began to see the plan, his smile coming back. "So all I need to do is tell Tyki I'm already in a relationship! Lenalee you are brilliant!"

Lenalee smiled, casting her eyes down briefly in a way that said "I know I am but I'm pretending to be modest".

"So, Lenalee, you'll be my girlfriend whenever Tyki is around right? This is so great."

"Hang on," Lenalee shook her head. "Not me, Tyki won't back off if it's me. And you know how brother would be if he found out."

"Then….who?" Lavi had finally stopped cajoling the fruit salad and was staring at the duo with a small frown marring his features. His mind was quickly piecing together the conversation and using the glint in Lenalee's eye he had a funny feeling he knew exactly what she was planning.

"Who is one person no one messes with, and would cause Tyki to back off in an instant?" Lenalee smirked as she watched Allen piece things together, much, much, much slower than she or Lavi had.

With horror Allen stared at Lenalee, his face quickly draining of any color. "No… Lenalee you are mad, you don't, no, I'd die if…oh God." He groaned when he saw Lenalee's smirk broaden and the slow nod.

"Think Allen, its perfect. Tyki will never bother you again if Kanda's your boyfriend."

Allen couldn't help but think that something was going to go horribly wrong. He'd already messed up two of the customers orders, nearly spilt one on himself and had handed Lenalee salt instead of sugar. Each time the bell over the door rang he jumped, turning to the door to see if it was Tyki. The clock was nearing three and Tyki had yet to show up for his caramel frappuccino. In a corner booth he could see the "disguised" Lavi and Lenalee sitting giving him thumbs up every time he looked over at them. Honestly he'd feel a lot better if they weren't there, wearing those ridiculous outfits. Did they really think Tyki wouldn't recognize them simply because they were wearing the opposite sex's clothes?

The door chimed and Tyki sauntered in, his leer fixed the moment he spotted Allen. Allen took a deep breath, put down the rag he was using to clean the counter and moved to the cash register.

"What can I get you today, Tyki?" he asked, putting on his best "business" smile.

"Hmm… let see… what shall I get?" He mused, pretending to scan the menu even though he ordered the same thing every day. "Grande caramel frappuccino, extra hot, hold the whip cream."

Allen rang it up; "Anything else?"

Tyki smirked and leaned against the counter as Allen handed the cup to his coworker, a teenage girl by the name of Chomesuke, though most called her Chome, or 'Esuke. "Yes, I'll have you."

Allen closed his eyes briefly, counting to ten and let out a large breath. "Tyki I've told you again and again, I'm not interested." Out of the corner of his eye he saw Lenalee mouth "Tell him!"

"We all know that's a lie," Tyki purred, catching Allen's hand as he gave him the cash amount for the drink. Allen drew in another deep breath and let it out.

"Tyki, I'm telling you, I'm not interested. Besides, I think you should stop touching me, my boyfriend wouldn't like it." There he said it. Allen felt a rush of adrenaline shoot through him at the shocked look that flashed through Tyki's eyes. Chome called out Tyki's order, forcing Tyki to release Allen in order to get his drink.

"Your…boyfriend?" Tyki said, his eyes narrowing.

Allen lifted his chin. "Yes. My _boyfriend_."

"And why haven't I heard of your…boyfriend before?"

Luckily Allen had gone over this with Lenalee and Lavi a thousand times. "We wanted to keep it a secret. He wasn't to open about it..you know…being gay and all." Allen flushed the perfect amount, looking every part the embarrassed out-of-the-closet teen.

"Hmm…" Tyki's eyes narrowed some more before he gained a vicious smirk. "Oh Allen you are just too cute. Did you really think that just telling me you had a boyfriend would stop me. You are a good liar, but not _that_ good."

Allen frowned. "I'm serious Tyki, I really have a boyfriend. You are lucky I haven't told him about you _harassing_ me, because trust me, he'd be pissed."

"Is that so? Then pray tell Allen, who is the lucky man?"

"Kanda." Allen bit the inside of his lip, hoping he hadn't said it too quickly. Lifting his chin, he said again, "My boyfriend is Kanda."

Just as Allen had hoped, Tyki took a step back, his eyes widening in shock. However, what Allen wasn't expecting was to Tyki to burst out laughing, startling all the customers who lazed around the shoppe.

"Really now, Allen? Your boyfriend is_ Kanda?_ I was under the impression you hated each other's guts. Or was that just all an act so no one suspected the two of you to be lovebirds? Oh Allen!" He let out another roar of laughter, wiping his tears away. Allen shot a confused look at Lenalee and Lavi who both just shrugged back, nonplussed at Tyki's actions. "Well, this is very interesting."

"So…are you going to stop bugging me now?" Allen asked.

"Oh, no, Allen. You see I don't quite believe you." He gave Allen a charming smile. "So, you are going to prove it. Saturday, 3 pm sharp. Tedfield Park. I'll be watching to make sure you really are a couple. Until then Allen," with a bow, Tyki left.

Oh yes, Allen thought as he leaned against the counter, it had just gotten a lot worse.

What is this?

-Well my dear readers, _this _is used to indicate- oh wait, you aren't asking about the definition of _this,_ are you? No... I didn't think so. -

Get _on_ with it!

-Yes, yes. This, my dear readers, was suppose to be a oneshot, but it didn't end up being a one shot because... well I don't really know, I just didn't feel like making it a oneshot.-

If you may remember, last Christmas (I gave you my heart, and- *ahem*) I wrote a oneshot by the name of "A White Christmas", which was dedicated to the ever wonderful Silver-Blaze of deviantART. It was about the sudden relationship that bloomed upon one Christmas evening between the two-not-so-subtle lovebirds, Kanda Yuu and Allen Walker. This is by no means a follow up story, but another few parter which will tell of another take on their relationship.

As I am sure you have figured out by now, it all started off with Lenalee's scheming to get the annoying Tyki out of Allen's life. But, alas, what will happen now?

Well... ;)

This idea started off when Silver-Blaze and I were taking a stroll around town, and we realized that people could easily mistake us for a couple (and they do, I shall say that). Since she is my muse, she randomly placed the idea into my head about a scenario where Allen, in order to get rid of Tyki, dates Kanda. So this, is that idea.

To those, who read this, and are wondering where my Draco and Harry story (The Ghosts of War) is, fear not! It is not abandoned or anything, merely sitting on my desktop collecting dust. I had to get this one done before I could think about that (otherwise Draco and Harry might be getting some Allen and Kanda personalities...). Also, school, the ever-soul-sucking-demon, has made it near impossible to write.

-Blue

p.s. hmm... I wrote this in a rather odd perspective/pov, don't you think?


End file.
